Life. Simplified.

I asked my son what he learned at school today, he replied "the average man likes Sony, the average woman prefers Yamaha, and the audiophiles prefer Bose".  I put my hand on his shoulder and replied "Son, those are just stereo types".

My wife asked me this morning, "Have you seen the dog bowl?"  I replied, "wow, I didn't even know he could do that".

I accidentally swallowed a bunch of synonyms.  It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.

I don't mean to brag, but the cashiers are always checking me out.

To the person who invented the concept of zero, thanks for nothing!

I was trying to find imposter in the dictionary. It was next to impossible.

People are usually shocked that I have a Police record, but I love their greatest hits.

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

I tried to make a belt out of watches. It was a waist of time.

Someone asked me what the ninth letter of the alphabet was.  It was a complete guess, but I was right.

Why is "R" only a pirate's second favourite letter? Because their first love is the "C".

I told a joke in a Zoom meeting and nobody laughed.  It turns out I'm not remotely funny.

The sweater I bought from the store was picking up too much static electricity, so I returned it.  They gave me a new one free of charge.

Did you know... Scuba divers fall 

backwards out of the boat because 

if they fall forward, they would 

still be in the boat.

My daughter asked me who my favourite vampire was, and I said the one from Sesame Street.  "He doesn't count!", she argued.

But, I'm pretty sure he does.

I've been accused of plagiarism.  

Those are their words, not mine.

My wife bakes bread whenever she feels stressed.  She kneads to relax!

I joined a support group for people who talk too much.  It's called Anonanonanon

 I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both left-handed. On the one hand it’s great, but on the other hand it’s just not right. 

  Why are mountains so good at telling jokes? Because they’re hill areas. 

 I love whiteboards! 

They're re-markable.

 A horse walks into a bar. 

The bartender says "Hey!" 

The horse replies, "Sure!"

What do you call the boss at 

Old McDonald's Farm? 

The CIEIO.

 It’s hard to explain puns 

to kleptomaniacs. 

They always take things literally.

 Knowing how to pick locks has opened a lot of doors for me. 

 You know what they say about cliffhangers... 

  What do you call a monk who walks everywhere barefoot, has poor bone density and really bad breath?

A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

 What did the chef give his wife for Valentine's Day?  A hug and a quiche.

  My dream job is to clean mirrors.  I can really see myself doing that. 

 My three favourite things are eating my family and not using commas.

What did the hat say to the hat rack?  You stay here, I'll go on a head

 I don’t trust stairs.

They’re always up to something.