Life. Simplified.

I asked my son what he learned at school today, he replied "the average man likes Sony, the average woman prefers Yamaha, and the audiophiles prefer Bose".  I put my hand on his shoulder and replied "Son, those are just stereo types".

My wife asked me this morning, "Have you seen the dog bowl?"  I replied, "wow, I didn't even know he could do that".

I accidentally swallowed a bunch of synonyms.  It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.

I don't mean to brag, but the cashiers are always checking me out.

To the person who invented the concept of zero, thanks for nothing!

I was trying to find imposter in the dictionary. It was next to impossible.

People are usually shocked that I have a Police record, but I love their greatest hits.

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

I tried to make a belt out of watches. It was a waist of time.

Someone asked me what the ninth letter of the alphabet was.  It was a complete guess, but I was right.

Why is "R" only a pirate's second favourite letter? Because their first love is the "C".